When I was a teenager, I used to love to ice skate! We used to queue outside the doors on a Saturday night waiting for people to leave so that they would let us in. I remember loving skating and feeling as if I could go on for hours in blissful peace.
So when my eldest was invited to an ice skating party I was quite excited to go with her and to teach her how to ice skate. It was her first time you see.
So we get there – on time, which never happens so you know we were excited. She was very nervous too!
We got our tickets for the skates and fetched a pair each. Then we walked out onto the ice. Initially she was just clinging onto me and telling me how she doesn’t want to fall. We went around a couple of times and she started to get the hang of it!
We got off the ice and sat down for a bit. Now that I wasn’t concentrating so hard, I had time to reflect on the skating. “This isn’t fun” I thought to myself “My feet are killing me and if I don’t have to get up again I will be very happy!” How disappointing! Something I loved as a kid I now looked on as a chore!
I looked up and there goes my daughter – on the ice on her own! She is not clinging to the edge either but battling along freely.
My heart bursts with pride at her bravery and tenacity!
She comes off crying however. She fell over and her skate is cutting into her. We go off the skate hire window and exchange both our skates.
“Maybe my skates were just the wrong size and that is why my feet are killing me…” I say to myself.
Off she goes again and after some chatting with the adults at the party, I go again. The skates are more comfortable but I am still not enjoying myself. I skate near to my daughter and say ‘Hi!’ She gets insecure and tries to grab my hand but pulls my shirt instead. I can’t stop and she falls over.
We both get off. Now she is angry with me. “You said you would help me and you made me fall!” I explain that I could not stop and that she nearly pulled us both over.
This party is beginning to suck. I am ‘THAT’ Mom who has the whining, crying kid at the party AND she feels like I am not keeping my promise to her. Double suck!
She goes off again, as she really doesn’t need me anymore. Another kid comes and asks me to please teach her bother. He is so cute and 5 so I say yes.
He is really funny on the ice as he is trying to walk it! Eventually we almost get knocked over by other skaters and I nearly drop him. I am done! We get off at the next stop.
Sadistically I am convinced I should be loving this and when one of the other Mum’s goes on I give it one last bash. With no one hanging onto me I start to enjoy myself a bit! I see my daughter and go to the side to chat to her. I misjudge it and end up clinging like a cat over a swimming pool onto the side. It’s no use and I let go – into a pool of icy cold water!
My whole ass is wet but I am laughing. All the kids think this is hilarious and the other Mum comes up to me and has a good laugh too.
I am so glad I could bring so much joy…
Off I go again, freezing cold and soaked through. “One more lap”, I think, “and then I quit!”
Half way around and something happens – I still don’t know what it was, but it happened in slow motion. The helicoptering of my arms does nothing and down I go. Ass, back, head – meet the solid concrete ice. Ice – do your worst.
You know in the cartoons where the cat gets walloped over the head and stars go around? I am the cat. Lying on the ice and my stars are spinning and my head is thumping. I can’t get up. It hurts so bad!
Then my ego starts screaming at me. “GET UP!” So I roll onto my knees, head in my hands. Everyone comes towards me. My daughter is horrified. An adult has to help me up and my daughter takes me back to the side. She keeps asking if I am alright and I keep saying I’m not.
Now I cannot wait for this party to end and take off these fucking ice skates. I need drugs and a lie down.
Then it dawns on me that my head and my body are not actually friends and they do not speak to each other at ALL. My head thinks I am in my early 20s but my body knows I just turned 35.
At home I pop my pain killers and lie down. Surprisingly I am not one bit ashamed that I sucked at ice skating or that I am behaving like a dude with man-flu! I always thought I would hate getting older but I think I am just rolling with the punches.
I feel strangely content with myself but silently vow that I am too old to ice skate again… until my youngest wants to learn of course!