I hate depression. I always tell my kids not to say ‘hate’. It’s an ugly word and you cannot dislike anything that much to justify using it. That being said, I really do hate depression!
I may live in a little bubble I have made for myself where I am free to be positive and indulge my various random thoughts that range from logical to insanity but it is my bubble and I control it.
Enter depression. Now I have to leave my bubble for the sad and pessimistic realm of the unknown and life has lost its shine.
“Why am I feeling so down?” I ask myself. “I don’t know!” I reply.
Seriously? How can you not know why! And here is where I enter it again – I hate depression!
It is illogical and may grip a hold of you when you had no clue it was even lurking in the shadows of your psyche.
I am a realist and a logical person, so not knowing why something is affecting me really annoys me.
So now I am depressed AND frustrated.
I have 2 very good friends who are Bipolar and I have watched them both on their own terrible rollercoasters, which they are not ever allowed to leave, and I feel frustrated for them too!
If you have ever experienced depression – not sadness but real depression – you will know what I mean when I say you feel it hit you. Sometimes you only realise what it is much later. I can only describe it as a lead weight around your neck. A hideous weight not shaped into a dragon, Elvin sign or anything rocking cool, just a hunk of misshapen junk!
And you are stuck with it now and you have no idea why!
I went out and got myself some St John’s Wart. I have used it in the past and it just takes the edge of the madness and allows you to deal with the rest. A month went by and I felt no different. “Shit” I thought. I really don’t want to take anything stronger like prescription meds, but it was looking like I had no choice!
Randomly I would start to feel alone on the edge of a huge abyss and then the tears would start.
I have managed to keep this hidden from most people as I find it counterproductive when they ask you how things are going. There is suddenly a pressure to “get better” or “snap out of it” – just “choose to be happy”.
Since depression is not a choice, one cannot just snap out of it!
I also find that I started to pull away from most people, unintentionally. Probably so they will not notice and also so I can deal with it better. I usually always deal with internal things on my own…
Anyway, so my self-medicating is not working which pisses me off even more!
So I decide to “discuss my feelings” which makes me cringe to even write it down.
I chose my very best friend who just happens to be Bipolar and I just talked! I often find that if I don’t know what is wrong and I talk or write things down randomly, out it pops!
The same thing happened on this occasion. “Plop!” out it came.
For me, once I have found the reason, I can work on the solution and I am no longer stuck on the edge of the abyss. Now I can work my way back to the safety of my bubble.
So I am walking back now. It’s slow but it feels good!
By nature I am a happy person. I genuinely feel sorry for unhappy people because I see it as a choice.
This article by ‘Huffpost’ titled ‘7 Habits of Chronically Unhappy People’ made a lot of sense to me and it’s totally worth a read: