I hate depression!


I hate depression. I always tell my kids not to say ‘hate’. It’s an ugly word and you cannot dislike anything that much to justify using it. That being said, I really do hate depression!

I may live in a little bubble I have made for myself where I am free to be positive and indulge my various random thoughts that range from logical to insanity but it is my bubble and I control it.

Enter depression. Now I have to leave my bubble for the sad and pessimistic realm of the unknown and life has lost its shine.

“Why am I feeling so down?” I ask myself. “I don’t know!” I reply.

Seriously? How can you not know why! And here is where I enter it again – I hate depression!

It is illogical and may grip a hold of you when you had no clue it was even lurking in the shadows of your psyche.

I am a realist and a logical person, so not knowing why something is affecting me really annoys me.

So now I am depressed AND frustrated.

Sad illusion

I have 2 very good friends who are Bipolar and I have watched them both on their own terrible rollercoasters, which they are not ever allowed to leave, and I feel frustrated for them too!

If you have ever experienced depression – not sadness but real depression – you will know what I mean when I say you feel it hit you. Sometimes you only realise what it is much later. I can only describe it as a lead weight around your neck. A hideous weight not shaped into a dragon, Elvin sign or anything rocking cool, just a hunk of misshapen junk!

And you are stuck with it now and you have no idea why!

I went out and got myself some St John’s Wart. I have used it in the past and it just takes the edge of the madness and allows you to deal with the rest. A month went by and I felt no different. “Shit” I thought. I really don’t want to take anything stronger like prescription meds, but it was looking like I had no choice!

Randomly I would start to feel alone on the edge of a huge abyss and then the tears would start.

I have managed to keep this hidden from most people as I find it counterproductive when they ask you how things are going. There is suddenly a pressure to “get better” or “snap out of it” – just “choose to be happy”.

Since depression is not a choice, one cannot just snap out of it!

I also find that I started to pull away from most people, unintentionally. Probably so they will not notice and also so I can deal with it better. I usually always deal with internal things on my own…

Anyway, so my self-medicating is not working which pisses me off even more!

So I decide to “discuss my feelings” which makes me cringe to even write it down.

I chose my very best friend who just happens to be Bipolar and I just talked! I often find that if I don’t know what is wrong and I talk or write things down randomly, out it pops!

The same thing happened on this occasion. “Plop!” out it came.

For me, once I have found the reason, I can work on the solution and I am no longer stuck on the edge of the abyss. Now I can work my way back to the safety of my bubble.

So I am walking back now. It’s slow but it feels good!

By nature I am a happy person. I genuinely feel sorry for unhappy people because I see it as a choice.

This article by ‘Huffpost’ titled ‘7 Habits of Chronically Unhappy People’ made a lot of sense to me and it’s totally worth a read:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tamara-star/7-habit-of-chronically-unhappy-people_b_6174000.html?ir=Parents&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000037

sad

Namaste

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